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The year of elections is likely to bring back some old demons from the past.
This is a satirical piece and any eventual accuracy in its predictions will be completely coincidental.
There is no such thing as a dull year in Pakistan, and 2024 is unlikely to be any different.
The first quarter will be all about the elections before the usual economic doom and gloom takes over, which usually necessitates a trip to the IMF.
By mid-year, the new government will have taken shape and by the year’s end, the new prime minister will have mastered justifying why he cannot do what he had promised to do before coming into power.
That and everything else in between has been predicted in the piece below. Take a look at our top seven predictions for 2024:
Chief’s selection commissioner springs into action
The alarm rings. Buzz … buzz … buzz. The clock displays 8am. The calendar shows Feb 8.
“Darling, wake up. It’s time.”
“Let me sleep!”
“Wake up! You’re gonna be late.”
“Do I really have to? It’s Thursday. It’s practically my day off.”
“But it’s your big day. You’re the chief’s selection commissioner.
Everyone is looking at you.”
“I don’t wanna be looked at. Let me sleep.”
Suddenly, the phone rings. “Sir, yes, sir. On my way.”
Netflix to recreate Judge Judy for Pakistan
The biggest of judges in the grandest of courts signs a Netflix deal to recreate Pakistan’s version of Judge Judy.
“Honestly speaking, this court business was getting pretty boring,” says the judge whose college slam book entry says he wanted to become an actor. “Every day it was the same constitution this, parliament that. Suo motus and live streams did do it for a while but then they also lost their charm. No one was watching us.
“Something supreme had to be done and we’re hoping this arbitration reality show will do just that.”
The next day, Evening Special reports that Justice Prejudice, Justice Bias and Justice Seesaw are among the mooted names for the eponymous show.
‘Boys Will be Boys VI — the Return of the Same’ proves a box office disaster
Cinemagoers were left disillusioned when the latest sequel of the nation’s longest-running movie series, Boys Will be Boys, proved a massive flop at the box office — just like the previous five instalments.
“Once again, there was nothing new,” said a disgruntled fan who walked off 10 minutes into the premiere. “The storyline hasn’t really evolved since the original ‘Boys Will be Boys’. It is all very formulaic and predictable at this point. Every BWBB movie stars a troubled hero who tries to dethrone the cruel king with all his might but when he can’t, he teams up with the evil monster. Before he realises it, the troubled hero himself turns into the cruel king.
“Boys Will be Boys 2 was the same story with only the actors switching roles. Boys Will Always be Boys, Boys are Still Boys, and Boys Keep on Boys-ing followed the same pattern. And now, Boys Will be Boys VI — the Return of the Same also has the same plot with only minor tweaks.
“When will the filmmakers realise that the audience is fed up? Their scripts have never worked and never will. Isn’t it time they end the theatrics?”
RWS recommends renaming ‘media’ and ‘press’
After a day-long debate among members of Reporters Without Spine (RWS), it is unanimously decided to remove ‘r’ from press.
“The R in press stands for resistance, which we don’t exercise anymore so why carry a redundant letter?” says the RWS chairman.
“A similar suggestion was made for the word media. The idea was to remove the word D as it probably stands for defence, which again we don’t have any. Just when we were about to ditch it, we were reminded that we can simply replace it with the D of dictation, which is attempted a lot.”
New legislation sees age restriction abolished to contest elections
After being installed into the parliament, the leading political family of the country out of its largest province, removes the 25-year minimum age limit required to contest elections as part of its first legislative act.
“The Family League has a bunch of eight and nine-year-olds, and they are all itching to serve the nation after school,” a family insider tells Dawn.com. “In fact, even our newborn babies are more qualified to run this country than everyone else.
“There is no reason to keep them away from the assemblies, which is why we decided to do away with the age limit.”
When asked if the legislation could expose the party to allegations of nepotism, the insider says: “This has nothing to do with dynastic politics. It’s pure merit. The political acumen of the pre-teens and even babies in the Family League is on par with that of seasoned politicians.”
PCB makes key appointments
After seeing its men’s team whitewashed on home soil by the cast of Amir Khan’s Lagaan, the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) decides to shake things up ahead of the tour of South Africa.
As part of the revamp, the board makes the following appointments:
Shahid Afridi — Coach of Patience
Mohammad Hafeez — Coach of Facing Dale Steyn
Wasim Akram — Integrity Coach
Salman Butt — Assistant Integrity Coach
Umar Akmal — Disciplinary Coach
Inzamamul Haq — Post-Match Interview Coach
Sharjeel Khan — Fitness Coach
Mohammad Amir — Loyalty Coach
Javed Miandad — Enunciation Coach
Stock market creates new high, but don’t know why
With the dollar rate and inflation skyrocketing, and economy flying dangerously close to default, the stock market creates a new high of 81,567.
“It makes perfect sense for the market to be this bullish,” says the head of research at a leading brokerage house. “The earth’s rotation today against the sun was just at the perfect angle to trigger a buying spree at the 100 index.
“Moreover, PSX’s zodiac is Capricorn, for whom this month is favourable according to today’s horoscope. In the absence of any fundamental change whatsoever, this is what we can come up with to explain why the market is pointing upwards while the rest of the county is in a tailspin.”
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